Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*