I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
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Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!