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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
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“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
Owl Sanctuary
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur