a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”