british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 馃ぃ”
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Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My mother鈥檚 relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they鈥檒l decrypt together.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
Shame on you if you’re still replying “damn” to selfies. Take a creative writing class.
As the cedars outside my window
swayed with the gentle autumn breeze,
I gazed upon your digital image, madam,
And my bowl of spaghetti fell to the floor
As, nearly, did I…
Do you know what I鈥檝e learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn鈥檛 a cooking timer.
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn鈥檛 tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
It鈥檚 taken 7 years but I鈥檓 beginning to see the correlation between my kid鈥檚 hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0