[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
my astrological sign is a french fry
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week