I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
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My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I鈥檓 the only one using it.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
how was your vacation
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏馃憦馃徏
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8