i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?