I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
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[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Again, I went to pick up a prescription and the pharmacist asked for my date of birth. I told him to write it down this time.
“your account balance is low” brother wait until you see my will to live
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.