I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
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Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman