My friend is dating a guy who won鈥檛 stop taking her to the circus 馃槶
You Might Also Like
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Exorcist came by. Says house isn鈥檛 possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I鈥檓 gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that鈥檚 sweet
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I鈥檓 going to launch my career as a burglar.
The Struggle
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
spouse: what are you doing
me: i鈥檓 writing a pilot
spouse: oh that鈥檚 so cool 馃檪
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.