The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
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Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.