The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
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When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I see your IQ test came back negative
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies