There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
mathematically impossible
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese