normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
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(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood