My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
You Might Also Like
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL