Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
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Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I’m awake but I object,
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines