Matt Goss
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A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
the rocks need my help