Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
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Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
are they though??
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.