My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…
There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?