I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*