Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
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Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Beware of the dog..
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.