I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
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I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
“Why you watching this shit?”
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”