My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
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7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”