The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
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God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Me if I was a dog
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.