Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on