Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
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I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
STAGES OF WORKING FROM HOME
– Yay I get to work from home
– It would be nice to talk to people
– I hope that pigeon sits in the window today
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.