Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
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Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman
ME: there is no bogeyman honey
SON: he’s not real?
ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago
SON:
ME: there was so much blood
SON:
ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
sleeping beauty
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
oppen heimer style lol
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.