Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
You Might Also Like
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses