Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
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Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?