The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Found the job I’m suited for
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
This is a sub tweet
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
There’s a Baseball field in Finland that has a river camera. The results are what I’d expect.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.