Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
You Might Also Like
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute