I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
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can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I’m starting yoga today and If my body isn’t perfect by noon, I’m quitting.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
I’d … I’d rather not.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
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Phew ✔
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.