I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
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I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
me: I think I’m losing my marbles
proctologist: I’m finding them
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?