I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
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My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My zodiac sign is pistachio
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.