I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
You Might Also Like
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!