I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
You Might Also Like
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées