super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
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make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
stand with me against insufficient seating
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Home #decor warning.
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
It can be hard to see beyond the limited perspective any one individual is offered in this tiny life, but try to spare a moment’s empathy for the poor task rabbiter I just hired to install my parents’ WiFi.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too