Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.