Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
You Might Also Like
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
😬
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?