If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
seems like a niche market
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
#winning
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.