#NoRestForTheWicked
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.