I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
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I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related