#Caturday
Thick as shit.
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We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.