My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
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Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.