I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
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The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
I was up all night reading about insomnia
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes