“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
You Might Also Like
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
A couple who are silly together stay together.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.