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Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.