When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
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When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*