Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
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Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?